


not again, not ever

by youngjaes



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with Sad Ending, Breakups, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression, References to anxiety, i am sorry mr. kwon soonyoung but you became the bad guy, i have warned you, idk how to tag, the rest of the members are briefly mentioned so i didn't tag them!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 11:44:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12320430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngjaes/pseuds/youngjaes
Summary: “I promise you, you are not a rebound”





	not again, not ever

**Author's Note:**

> hello people, if you are too lazy to read the tags pls keep this in mind  
> -there are references to depression and anxiety  
> -breakups and cheating  
> -do not read if any of those things trigger you!!!!  
> -also again mr. kwon soonyoung, i am sorry for writing u like this,,, i have done wrong

The first time it happened Jihoon was too focused on his work to pay attention to where his boyfriend was or who he was with for that matter. He was oblivious, maybe he hadn’t been paying enough attention to Soonyoung, maybe he hadn’t been caring enough, maybe it was his fault.

* * *

 

The second time, he noticed something was up, Soonyoung never arrived late to their lazy Sundays meetings on Jihoon’s couch.

“Soonie, what’s up?” he had asked when they settled themselves on the couch with snacks, ready to watch their favorite anime (once again)

The expression on Soonyoung’s face changed, he tensed up “Nothing,” he answered anyways and Jihoon brushed it off, because he trusted his boyfriend, he would never lie to him. Or that’s what he thought.

* * *

 

Jihoon was tired, finals were coming up and he could not afford to fail any of his tests or he would be done for. On top of that his boyfriend had been acting strange, ditching and avoiding him and he knew something was up but he didn’t want to admit it. Soonyoung had been such an important person in his life, he didn’t want to give him up just like that (even if he knew he had to).

“Ji?” he heard from a distance, he stopped staring at his book (he wasn’t understanding much anyways) “are you alright, dude?” Seungcheol asked him with a worried look on his face

He knew he didn’t look okay, he was tired, scratch that, exhausted and sad. He felt like crying when Seungcheol asked him if he was alright, he wasn’t. He wanted to lie on his bed and cuddle Soonyoung and not think about anything else, but he knew neither of those things were possible, at least not right now.

He looked at Seungcheol, tears prickling on his eyes and his best friend must have noticed because he immediately went and hugged him and he just started crying, from exhaustion and sadness.

“Ji, I’m here okay?” he barely heard the eldest say, his sobs could probably be heard everywhere in the study room but he couldn’t bring himself to care, he was too tired and sad to care. He felt Seungcheol play with his hair for what felt an eternity, he didn’t know what happened after that, the only thing he knew is that he was laying on his bed, Seungcheol was holding his hand and sleeping on what seemed an uncomfortable position.

“Cheol” he muttered and noticed his throat was dry and hurt, he coughed a bit and Seungcheol moved a bit “Cheollie, wake up” he said louder this time

“Ugh, five more minutes” his friend babbled, and he just smiled. He wouldn’t possibly admit it but he was so thankful for Seungcheol, the taller man was always there for him, no matter what.

“Cheol, wake up dude” he tried to speak louder this time and it worked because Seungcheol opened his eyes and looked at him, wearing the same worried expression on his face.

“Are you feeling any better?” was the first thing he asked, and he felt like crying again. What did he ever do to deserve such a good friend?, he swallowed the lump on his throat and spoke

“Yeah, my throat is a bit dry but water will take care of that” he smiled but Seungcheol didn’t seem to buy it

“What’s wrong?” he asked, Jihoon didn’t want to talk about it, ever, what would he say? _I think my boyfriend is cheating on me_ was a something he didn’t want to admit, so he didn’t.

“I’m just tired, exams are taking up so much of my time” he sighed and sat up “I really can’t fail Cheol”

“There is something else that’s bothering you” Seungcheol said “and you don’t want to talk about it” the elder sighed “and that’s fine, but if you ever need to get it out of your chest Ji, I’m here” his friend grabbed his wrist and pushed him forward to give him a hug.

They spent a few minutes in silence, hugging. A few minutes later Seungcheol excused himself, leaving Jihoon feeling empty.

He mustered up all the courage he could and dialed Soonyoung, he wanted to clear things up, what he didn’t expect was to hear Wonwoo on the other side of the line.

“Hello?” he heard, he recognized that voice immediately. He couldn’t speak, he didn’t. A few seconds of awkward silence went by and he just hung up.

He was feeling numb, what was Soonyoung doing with the man that he supposedly didn’t want to see for the rest of his life?. He let out a bitter laugh and stood up. He messaged Soonyoung

**[Jihoonie 4:36pm]** I’m going to your place, we need to talk.

Soonyoung obviously didn’t read his text because if he did, he wouldn’t have been sucking faces with Wonwoo once he arrived.

He expected them to notice him, but they didn’t until he let out a cough. The pair separated and Soonyoung was ready to snap at him until he realized who he was.

“Jihoonie…” he heard the elder say, standing up, face flushed and lips swollen

Jihoon felt like crying over again, but he didn’t want Soonyoung to see him in that state, he couldn’t show his weak side, not right now.

“Not a rebound, huh?” his voice broke mid-sentence and he cursed at himself for being so weak when it came to Soonyoung “I don’t think I need to say that we are over” he laughed “it’s pretty clear” and took a deep breath “and please don’t come to me crying when he breaks your heart again” he didn’t stay to see their reaction, he ran out of that place as fast as he could.

He didn’t know when he started crying, but now he was in front of Seokmin’s place praying for his friend to be home. He waited a few minutes, trying to calm himself down (it was pointless), once he wasn’t sobbing he knocked the door and his friend appeared smiling until he saw the look on Jihoon’s face.

He doesn’t remember much after that, he only knows that he cuddled Seokmin until he felt full again.

* * *

 

Years passed by and he was in a better place, he finished university with good grades and got a job as a music producer in a nice company that also paid well. He worked only 5 days a week which gave him time to laze around during the weekend or maybe go out with his friends.

His circle of friends had grown, back in university he had Seungcheol (and for default Jisoo), Seokmin and Seungkwan, the new addition had been Seungkwan’s boyfriend Hansol and Hansol’s friend Minghao. Also, Mingyu and Junhui who were models at the agency he worked at, that contrary to popular belief were very clumsy and awkward.

He was happy, stressed (but there was nothing he could do about that when deadlines existed), but happy.

The first few months after his breakup with Soonyoung were hard, he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but he got a lot better with help of his friends, Seungcheol reminding him to eat, Jisoo bringing him food, Seokmin always listening to him rant about whatever and Seungkwan keeping him company when he needed it and making sure no one stepped over his boundaries. He was very thankful towards his friends and he made sure to tell them and remind them.

Of course, there were bad days, where not even his friends could help. Where he just felt worthless, he didn’t want to stand up, he just felt like there was no point on living or existing in that matter but he tried his best and got through all of that.

After two years he was better, he had gotten over his ex, and mentally he was feeling better than ever (he even went to a party, which surprised everyone but they were just so happy Jihoon was making progress).

It was a weekend and he was laying on his couch watching a movie and eating popcorn when he heard his phone ring, he stretched himself on the couch and stood up to answer his phone.

“Hello?” he answered, mouth still full of popcorn

“Jihoon?” he didn’t recognize the voice on the other side, but they knew who he was

“I’m sorry but who is this?” he sat back down and started munching on more popcorn as he focused back on the movie, there was a silence on the other side of the phone and then a lot of cursing, he stopped paying attention to the call

“Are you still there?” he heard the voice ask, he picked up his phone again “this is Soonyoung”

He froze in place and swallowed the popcorn he had on his mouth, “Yeah, I’m still here” he answered

“Can we talk?” he laughed, and started munching on more popcorn, not really preoccupied of what Soonyoung had to say

“Is there anything to talk about? I think you left everything pretty clear last time we saw each other” he replied, and he wasn’t lying, it was obvious Soonyoung was still hung up on Wonwoo, he was just a fool to not see it (or maybe back then it was just pure denial).

“Please Ji, I wa-“ he didn’t let the elder finish the sentence when he felt all the anger he once felt towards Soonyoung come up again

“Don’t fucking call me that, _Soonyoung_ ” he emphasized the other’s name to make sure that he remembered that they were not friends anymore “you made your choice, you knew I was in love with you and you still used me as a rebound” he became calm, one thing he had learn in his therapy lessons was to control his anger “you were still in love with your ex, and I get it. It’s hard to get over someone and if you want to apologize I think it’s too late” he hung up, he felt good, a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, he sighed and continued watching the movie.

* * *

 

“Is it true Soonyoung contacted you?” was the first thing Seungcheol said when they saw each other the next day

“Yeah” he replied, eyes focused on the road

“Are you okay?” his friend asked and he understood why he was so worried about him, getting over Soonyoung wasn’t an easy task and Seungcheol had been there to see it

“As okay as I’ll ever be Cheol” he answered truthfully “If I’m being honest, I thought I was gonna have a breakdown when I realized it was him” he laughed and scratched his head “but I’m fine, I promise. I’m over him and won’t let him change that”

“I’m glad Ji” he glanced at Seungcheol and he was smiling “I’m really glad you’re doing fine but really, if that asshole tries to get close to you I won’t hesitate to hurt him”

“I don’t want you to be charged with homicide Cheol” he laughed and the taller man laughed as well

“Not kill him though, just harm him enough so he learns his lesson” he shrugged and changed the radio station “that song is boring, we need to listen to good music” he said as he blasted One Direction. Jihoon thought there was nothing funnier than to watch Seungcheol try to hit Harry Style’s high notes

* * *

 

He liked what he studied, music production was something he loved to do but he was very limited in Korea, only sticking to one genre wasn’t what he expected to do but was what he was told to do. He had given the thought of going abroad to learn more there but was quickly brushed off because of his anxiety, he was stuck.

He surprisingly didn’t hate his job, the people he worked with were very nice and were pretty understanding of his limitations when it came to meetings.

He was amid writing lyrics when it happened, his co-worker Chan knocked on his door and entered, “There is someone looking for you” he said, “and don’t ask who it is because I have no clue” he shrugged and then looked at Jihoon directly in the eye “they only said they wanted to talk to you and that it was important” he finished and left the room

He couldn’t even stand up when his phone started ringing, he unlocked his phone and answered.

“Don’t go” he heard on the other side of the line, it was Seungkwan who sounded like he just ran a marathon

“Why?” he asked, curious as to why Seungkwan knew someone was there to see him

“It’s Soonyoung” he could tell Seungkwan was trying to his steady his breathing “he tried to get your address through Hansol” before he could say anything his friend spoke again “of course he didn’t give it to him, I don’t even know why he knows my boyfriend. I’ll make Hansol apologize for giving your work address though”

“It’s not necessary” he finally said “he had no way of knowing Kwan, I don’t blame him. But thank you for telling me” he stood up and stretched his arms “but if I don’t talk to him he will insist and I’m not emotionally ready for that” he let out a dry laugh “thank you for telling me Kwan, I appreciate it”

“No need to thank me Ji” the other said “and if Soonyoung does anything, ring me. I’m right outside your building” he smiled through the call, he had the best friends ever

“Yeah, thank you. I’ll be going now, I’ll ring you if anything happens” he muttered and then hung up

He took a deep breath and left his studio, he walked to the elevator and said to himself _You can do this Jihoon._

Once he reached the first floor and saw him, he looked as good as always, now with blonde hair (that was almost white) and wearing denim jeans and a loose white shirt, he would be lying if he said Kwon Soonyoung was unattractive. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and walked towards the elder.

“Soonyoung” he spoke as he stood in front of the blonde

“Jihoon” his voice had something in it, but Jihoon couldn’t pin point what it was, regret? sadness? sorrow? all?

“Didn’t I make myself clear? I said there was nothing to talk about” his harsh tone made the other tense up “You’ve got five minutes, say whatever you came to say”

“I’m sorry,” Jihoon’s expression didn’t change, he maintained a serious one, not showing any signs of forgiveness “Wonwoo broke up with me three months after we got back together” he said, Jihoon let out a bitter laugh, “I don’t think I was ever in love with him in the first place, it was pure lust” Soonyoung got closer to him and he didn’t move, he was glad the taller didn’t have an effect on him anymore “the only one I ever loved was you Ji” and that was the last straw for him, how could he say that so blatantly?

“You were not, are not and never will be in love with me Soonyoung” he spoke calmly, not letting his anger get the best of him “there is no need to lie to yourself,” he inhaled and exhaled to calm himself “you used me as a rebound, and it was so obvious. But I was too in love with you to notice, I wanted to be with you so bad that I was able to look past that, I was able to look past your bad intentions” Soonyoung was no longer looking at him in the eye “but no more of that Soonyoung, I have grown as a person, I love myself enough to not let you hurt me again. I am over you, the love I once felt towards you is gone, you were toxic to me and I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone be that way to me” there was a pause, an awkward silence and then he continued “I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you, but I don’t hold a grudge towards you” Soonyoung lifted his head, there were tears in his eyes and Jihoon was about to feel bad about being so harsh but he didn’t, not after everything he went through because of the man standing in front of him “I hope you move on and please leave my friends and I alone, neither of us need you in our lives” he finished and bowed to the blonde, taking his cue to leave.

He had many regrets on his life, but this was not one of them.

 

**Author's Note:**

> it's the first fic i write that has actual angst,,, if i did bad pls tell me  
> as always feedback and kudos are appreciated  
> (also come yell at me if you want [twt @junhoons])


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